Let’s talk Deadbeat Dads.
This week I missed 3 hours of work sorting out unpaid utility bills and getting power restored to my house. $13/hr x 3hrs = $39 (minus taxes) that I will not have to put towards bills next month. (Never mind the fact that I just started this job and missing work time does not help demonstrate my value to my employer.) I work full time, but it still isn’t quite enough to cover the most basic living expenses for my two sons and me.
My ex-husband and the father of my two children, Jason Kimball, also works full-time as a veterinarian in Eugene, Oregon. He earns $104,000 per year. I earn $26,000 per year. He pays a TOTAL of $330 per month in child support. He should pay between $1000 and $1200 per month. He is well aware of this and told me he agrees that $330 is too low, yet this is all he pays.
Why?
Several reasons:
A. Because he can. The court process to modify a child support order ($331 is what he was ordered to pay before spousal support ended) can take up to 7 months. Therefore, until a modification is ordered, his only LEGAL obligation is $331. His moral obligation is a separate matter.
B. When we met to discuss child support, he disputed my calculation for 2 reasons:
1. He does not think it is reasonable for him and me to claim the same amount of childcare expenses, even though we both work full-time and share equal parenting time.
2. He does not want me to switch our children to my company health plan, even though it is less expensive and more comprehensive than his company plan. (Why? You’ll have to ask him.)
Those are the facts. The following reason is MY OPINION, based on MY RECOLLECTION of past events.
C. Control. Our marriage was 7 years of intense verbal and emotional abuse. Towards the end of our marriage and during our separation, he became violent towards me– often in front of our children. He never hit me, but he used his size (6’3″, 230lbs) to scare me into submission. He yelled, charged at me, raised his hands at me, chased me into corners and stood over me as I cowered and cried in fear, and threw his full body weight against closed doors I hid behind as our sons (4 and 6 years old at the time) stood behind him crying and begging him to stop. He left our boys asleep at his house to drive past mine in the middle of the night, he refused to leave my house when asked and tried to take our sleeping boys from their beds, and he repeatedly threatened to take our children away from me throughout or divorce process.
I’m certain he has his own opinion and recollection of the past, but you’ll have to hear those from him.
Throughout or divorce process I tried to take the high road (hoping he would join me there) by negotiating a fair and equal financial settlement. I talked to my counselor about the abuse, but never mentioned it in our legal proceedings. I foolishly listened to the advice of people who said I needed to protect his professional reputation for the sake of our children’s financial futures. And I foolishly believed he would do what was right, fair, and best for our children. He did not. In the end, I caved to his threats, ran out of money to pay my attorney, and agreed to a roughly 33% share of our combined assets– despite the fact that the legal standard in Oregon is 50%.
That was then, this is now. I no longer care about his personal or professional reputation.
What I care about is being the best mom I can be to our sons. I care about keeping the lights and heat on and having enough money to provide for my children. I care about accomplishing these things without killing myself in the process. I care about having enough emotional energy to be loving and present for my boys. And I care about JUSTICE– because NO ONE should be in the position I am in, yet SO MANY are.
Justice is what I seek and why I’m risking so much by making this public post. It is for the sake of justice and my children’s physical and financial well-being that I am telling you that Jason Kimball is a gainfully employed veterinarian who is taking advantage of how slowly the wheels of justice turn in order to duck out on roughly 70% of his child support obligation. If this post negatively affects his income, HE has the power to change that. If he chooses to pay what he should have been paying since January 1st, 2016, I will broadcast that news just as publicly. He has MANY resources; I’m down to just this one.
Poop in My Hair 
I haven’t talked to in ages!! Please understand my response to your post. Had to share how your story impacted me.
I am rocked a bit by this post. I know about a deadbeat dad, too. I know that I get 114.00 a month, now. Used to be nothing. I know that I am a full time parent. I get NO time off. None. No shared parenting. I am a 24/7/365 momma. I work my ass off to provide for my kid. Would more money be nice? Sure. But, that’s up to me.
I was a little offended by your post. Dead beat dads don’t share parenting 50% and don’t pay child support.
I am surprised that with equal parenting established you would still receive support. I am glad you do! It is clear your ex makes way more than you do. Additionally, how nice he provides healthcare for your boys, even if it comes at a higher cost. I also am solely responsible for this.
Maeve’s dad lives in a house with a wine cellar, an 8 hole putt putt course in the basement, and has five vehicles. He vacations two months out of the year. For Christmas he showers her with gifts and then tells her she can’t take anything home with her. He used to see her FOUR hours twice a month. He quit calling for visits about five months ago. He essentially abandoned his kid. This is a deadbeat.
He chose football, vacations, and his girlfriend over his daughter. The only reason I get any money from him is because the state takes it. He will not respond when I contact him about his child wanting to see him. He has never called her on her birthday. He has never called her. EVER. This is a deadbeat.
He didn’t show up to court the day the judge was awarding custody. He tells Maeve I’m a bitch and that he hates me and so should she. He also tries to bully me. I say try, because I don’t let him have any power over me anymore, despite his yelling, waving of arms, nasty glares, and physical charges. This is a deadbeat.
I have been a full time single momma for all of Maeve’s eight years. When she was born I had a job making about 16,000 a year. It made me stronger and I fought for a better life for her, because of her. I went back to college and obtained a degree and a profession. I lived with family members and accepted food stamps to feed her. Lived in a one bedroom apartment in the ghetto and worked while going to college.
Power is in your hands. Don’t let your ex still hold you down. You are strong and powerful, I know this. You are in control of your financial situation, not him.
Sent from my iPhone
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Hi Erin, glad to hear you’re doing well.
I have heard responses like yours before and they used to make me mad, but now they just make me sad. To sum up what you’ve said: I don’t have it as bad as some, so I should just shut up, work harder, and be grateful he does anything at all for our children. I’m sorry, but I’m not buying it and here’s why:
My ex-husband and I decided together to have two children. My ex-husband and I decided it was best for those two children that I leave my career to stay home and parent while he advanced in his career (the one that now pays him $104k). That choice was a two-fold investment– one fold for our kids and one for his career. So now he’s gaining from that investment and I am losing. Going back to work after almost a decade out of the workforce wasn’t “going back to work,” it was starting from scratch. I make less now that I did at the job I had when I got married in 2004.
But this isn’t really even about him or me; it’s about our children. Our children remain even though the marriage has ended and they need and deserve two fully emotionally and physically engaged parents. They need heat in both homes and they need a mom who isn’t working over 40 hours per week just to survive. My ex-husband is no more entitled to reap the benefit of the investment I made in our children and his career than I am. We built the family together and we continue to be equally responsible for it’s upkeep regardless of it’s new configuration. And equity of responsibility must be assessed with the inequity of the playing field taken into consideration.
While it’s true that you and I are both single moms, there are differences in our situations– as you pointed out. But one that you glossed over a bit, that I think warrants mention is that you chose single parenthood from the get go. You made a somewhat informed choice in regards to your solo responsibilities. You knew that Maeve’s dad was a wild card at best and you chose to take on the role of mom anyway. I am not judging that choice– I see nothing wrong with that choice– it is just not the same choice I made for myself.
I’m glad that your situation has made you stronger, but I am sad that it seems to have emboldened you to cast judgement on others who are handling their own situations in their own ways. Perhaps if you read part two of this post, you will have a better understanding of why I vehemently disagree with your assertion that the “the power is in my hands.” Some of it is and some of it isn’t. Speaking out about what I believe and what I want to change for EVERYONE including you, is one of my powers and I think I use it quite well.
One more thing: if I had a nickle for every person I have ever heard say, “I did it all on my own!” followed by “I lived with family” I could have paid my godforsaken EWEB bill 3 times over. I had/have ZERO family help. During my separation my mother took my children out of town, refused to tell me where they were and kept them overnight without my permission. The legal term is parental interference; a few more hours and she would have been arrested for kidnapping. My father turned up at my house one day and tried to bully me into signing a settlement agreement from my ex. When I refused and asked him to leave, he stepped towards me and cocked back his fist in a motion to punch me. His girlfriend had to literally drag him out of my house.
Please be careful before you cast judgment on others; you never know what all is going on in someone’s life– even when they seemingly air their shit all over the interwebs.