Monthly Archives: September 2012

Best Ever Birthday Wish List

Next Saturday is my birthday and I am determined to celebrate… at least a little. I kind of hate my birthday and usually get cranky and depressed or completely forget the day all together. I’ve always (not so secretly) wanted my birthday to be a big deal, but the only true tradition has been grandiose disappointment.

Of course I had some good birthdays as a kid– my 10th included ice cream sundaes with 10 flavors and toppings to choose from and 10 friends to help celebrate. But by the time I hit middle school, my birthdays got lost in the hustle and bustle of a new school year and I felt like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles. (Except hot Jake never showed up with a cake. Waaaaaaaa! Poor me.)

In high school my admirers consisted of a beady-eyed little guy who left disturbing notes taped to my locker and a red-headed twerp who called me Pig-i-fer. The red-headed twerp grew up to be a kind and lovely man; the beady-eyed kid is probably incarcerated somewhere…

Things haven’t improved much since then. My parents have forgotten my birthday more than once; I’ve spent birthdays alone in foreign countries and states I’d just moved to; I’ve been dumped on my birthday; my 30th almost turned into a “sex addiction” intervention; my husband turned my 32nd into a cruel form of new-mom torture; and I spent my 37th wondering how to tell him our marriage was over as he suggested “it might be time we try for baby #3.”

So yeah; I kind of hate my birthday.

But that was then and this is now and now it’s time for new beginnings! Right?? Right!

This year is already different… Yesterday I got the lead role in a no-budget, independent, short film being made right here in Eugene, Oregon (a.k.a, the Hollywood of the Pacific Northwest)! And two weeks ago my friend Jon and I won a brand new Bike Friday tandem bicycle in a race that was so fun I almost forgot how much I hate running. Woo hoo!

Team Sparklebritches wins the Frolic Grand Prix! Fyi: the bulge at the top of my sparklebritches are wooden blocks (long story) and not mama belly. Hula hooping helps the mama belly; nothing helps my vanity.

Clearly, the universe wants my birthday to be good this year. And clearly, I’m going with my own delusional ego and creating the best ever Birthday Wish List– (which I’m certain all twelve of my adoring fans have anxiously awaited). Here it is…

Jennifer’s Best Ever Birthday Wish List!
1. Sparkly britches. My new stage name is Jennifer Sparklebritches and I need the undergarments to back it up. My favorite colors are turquoise, orange, hot pink, silver, and gold. (I’m a size 6 underpants, size 8 pants, and size medium everything else. If you can also find a way to make women’s clothing sizes consistent and universal, that would be freaking amazing!)

I plan to disco hoop my way into old age. Feel free to visit MoodHoops.com. Perhaps my shameless plug will encourage them to offer a big discount on a hoop…

2. A light-up hula hoop (38 inch diameter or larger, please).
3. A weighted hula hoop. (I’m a little obsessed with hula hooping at the moment– but please don’t stage an intervention.)
4. A 2.5 x 3 foot hole dug in my back yard for the asian pear tree that’s going to die soon otherwise.
5. Gift certificates to Bring recycling center.
6. An all-expense paid trip to Hawaii.
7. Free babysitting while I’m in Hawaii.
8. The promise of free labor for when I’ve gathered enough reclaimed materials to rebuild my back fence.
9. A hot date with a sweet, funny, smart, hot man who will say things such as, “I’m sorry, I missed that last thing you said because I was so mesmerized by your adorable freckles and stunning beauty. I’m sure it was witty and fascinating; can you please repeat it? I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through life with such a devastating combination of brains, talent and beauty?!”
10. Fun bike accessories such as a loud horn and tassels for my handlebars.
11. A humorous, razzing, and complimentary song written in my honor.
12. A gold, silver, or turquoise superhero cape. (You’d be surprised how many moments in my life call for such attire.)

That should about cover it… unless anyone would like to plan a surprise party for next Saturday night. I promise to act surprised. Thanks! ~Ms. Sparklebritches

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