*Warning: this post contains a few curse words. I can censor the smut, but not the swearing–it’s just who I am.
I need a personal assistant. I don’t have a big important job or celebrity social schedule that necessitates personal assistance–it’s just that talent like mine (the exact nature of that talent is totally irrelevant and mostly unknown) comes at the expense of some very basic life skills, such as opening mail and writing anything on a calendar.
One of my proven talents is getting stuff for free, such as concert tickets, hotel upgrades, and unwanted drinks and stares from creepy old men in bars. The key to this talent is passivity. Whisper whatever you want to the wind and see what pops up. Or post something like this on facebook:
Fark! I have 43 people following me on twitter and I still don’t really know WHAT twitter is. I can’t remember my password because I never tweet (that word is so stupid), and I’m burning out on the sound of my own voice as it is. I need a personal assistant.
1. Must know how to open and sort mail.
2. Must be tech savvy.
Compensation includes and is limited to sincere compliments and appreciation as well as the occasional guilt gift.
Enter, Ashly and her resume:
-Answering and directing incoming calls
-Opening and sorting mail
-Mt Hood Community College
-Office Administration at Springdale Job Corps Center (Certification)
-North Eugene High School (H.S. Diploma)
She forgot to mention that she is also freaking hilarious (we perform in the same stand-up comedy circles) and a mom, i.e. desperate to do anything away from her own house.
a) yelling at someone
c) big smile, crazy eyes or
d) gone, because I forgot you were coming (in which case, the patio door is always open and I’m probably coming right back.)
Phone is next to the microwave, food is in the fridge. Call my cell (or the police) if I’m not back in 10 or 15.
Crap. I’m pretty useless. I guess I could use a warm body/crazy barometer on a strictly “enter at your own risk” basis. Come on over and stay as long as you like or until you’ve seen enough.
Ashly will be here in about an hour…I let you know how it goes. I hope my butt looks okay in these jeans?