How Real Men Get Laid

I love my backyard. I bought the house, primarily, for the backyard. It’s big enough for the kids to kick a ball around and has a patio for sunny day lounging. But the best part of my backyard is the view of the park it borders; all trees and green grass. Families stroll by, people walk their dogs, and teenagers heckle each other on their way home from school. The activity reminds me that life carries on; a good thing for my half-hermit soul.

Due to the amenities of this particular park, dudes in shorts on their way to shoot hoops or toss a frisbee make up about 80% of the traffic past my back fence. I’m inspired to host an annual summer barbecue and call it “Sausage Fest.” It will be all my rowdy, hot-to-trot girlfriends, me, and several pitchers of margaritas. We will position our chairs for the best view, sip cocktails while enjoying the sausage parade, and perhaps hold up score cards like drunken olympic judges. Cheap thrills baby!

This could be June in a “Porn for Women” calendar.

Today I got a cheap thrill of slightly different kind. A group of men walked through the park looking like all the rest—wearing shorts and Tevas; basketball, frisbee and water bottles in hand. The only difference was that one guy was pushing a stroller. I watched them: their mood was cheerful and relaxed like “well I want to hang with my buds and I’m a dad now so I’m bringing my baby with me.” He made it look like the most natural thing in the world. Kind of like what most of us moms do… every day… without question… from the moment we give birth.

At that very moment I’d sunk into believing all men are inherently weak and selfish and I’d be alone forever because I’m done settling for weak and selfish. Then this guy walked by and before I knew it I shouted “Hey! Guy with the stroller!” I ran over and asked if there really was a baby in the stroller (I thought it was just as likely that the stroller was for carrying beers or attracting idiot women like myself).

When I saw the baby my heart gushed. I said, “You are a good man and I bet somewhere there is a happy mama getting a much-needed break.” His friends smiled and spoke-up that, yes, there was. I then rapid-fire babbled, “I’m divorcing and jaded and a writer and I want to take your picture; here’s my card so your woman can see my blog, I hope your friends are taking notes because this is how you real men get laid, wait here while I get my camera!” (This is why I primarily stick to PASSIVE socialization.)

I don’t know anything about this dude or his woman or their relationship. But I choose to believe that they are happy and that he is proof good men DO exist. That is what’s great about being an optimist–when dark thoughts invade it only takes a small ray of light to renew my faith in life and humankind. I love my backyard.



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18 responses to “How Real Men Get Laid

  1. OMG Jen…..”Sausage Fest”…..hahahahaha! LOVE this post, and I sooo wish we lived in the same city, ‘cuz I’d be the first girlfriend knocking on your door with ‘Ritas in hand!

  2. Can we invite the cute sausages over the fence to take turns ‘manning the grill’?

  3. What was his response?!!

  4. Loved your what’s-great-about-being-an-optimist sentence. !!! 🙂

  5. Monica

    That’s my brother in law – he had the baby because my sister in law and niece were visiting me for the weekend in Portland and wanted a break. She pushed the baby on him 🙂 That’s the story. Hope I didn’t pop any bubbles!

    • Great comments from people in the know! In writing this piece I wrestled with what I WANT to be the truth and what I BELIEVE to be the truth. I want the truth to be that good partners and fathers do these things easily and graciously (most of the time), and out of love and the understanding that NOT doing them will likely result in extremely negative consequences—for everyone. I believe the truth is that this way of thinking is something that does not come naturally to a majority of men. I also believe some men are more inclined to come around to this way of thinking and that we mamas “pushing” the baby on him is often a good way to shorten his learning curve (and keep ourselves out of the looney bin for one more day).

      If a Ponycorn is the funny, hot, sensitive, smart, single man I seek; then a partnered man who “gets it AND acts it” must be Sasquatch. Because I am an optimist, I believe that what he have here in this post is a Sasquatch in the making. (o:

    • Brother-In-Law

      Actually, your sister had returned from Portland, and I wanted to spend time with my baby girl after missing her all weekend. There was no pushing.

  6. Kate

    The guy is awesome! (He’s also my nephew, so, I a *bit* biased!) He really is that fantastic of a father. He’s also a teacher, a great husband to his beautiful wife, and the list goes on… And that baby girl is lovely and happy!

  7. Kimberly

    I know way more great dads and husbands than deadbeats, so this wasn’t a surprise to me. I guess what is a surprise is when I hear of women who don’t know any. That’s really sad. My husband, although gone much of the time because of busy school/work schedule, will give me a break even when it’s a huge inconvenience to him because he cares about my happiness. Sometimes he even insists on it because he knows that staying home with the kids is a demanding and draining job. Just like I suggest he take breaks every now and then to go fishing or climbing, because I know it will relieve stress and make life more enjoyable. I don’t expect him to be perfect, because then I wouldn’t feel worthy to be married to him and I would probably feel very insecure.
    Don’t get me wrong, I still loved the post along with all the others I’ve read. And I’m glad that he is getting credit for the good things he’s doing. There are a lot of good guys out there and I’m glad they are getting noticed.

    • Kimberly,
      You are right, it is sad how many women know too few decent men. As the mom of two boys I feel an intense responsibility to raise them to not only be productive members of society, but also good partners and fathers. Believe me, I’m trying to notice every “Good Guy” I see. (o;

  8. baby

    um…that’s my dad. I’m the baby in the stroller. He really is a great guy, my mom is cool too. I’m a lucky baby.

  9. Ashly

    I really thought these kind of guys were just a myth. So wait, is Big Foot real too?

  10. Samantha Beanie

    HOLY WOW.I’d better be invited to sausage fest! I’d bring appropriate dessert- frozen chocolate dipped bananas on a stick?

  11. Jesse Wells

    Way too many women seem to suddenly notice “good men” only after they have spent their 20s trying to date every asshole they can find. I mostly blame American mass culture for this, because it is so good at destroying the self confidence of women. When I have kids, girls or boys, I am going to ban goddamn Disney movies and teach them both that they should focus on their own happiness first and foremost, without needing to crush other people’s dreams, because that kind of self confidence will allow them to attract and meet people who will help them expand their lives, rather than limit them and they will not waste so much time seeking out someone to make them happy. I only wish I had learned that lesson earlier than I did. That said, throw your party and ogle all you want, scorecards and all, but remember doing so the next time you are tempted to trash on guys who are doing the same to hot women.

    • I don’t believe that holding people accountable for their responsibilities equals trashing them. Having children is a life altering experience as in, your life will NEVER be the same. The men I’m “trashing” are the ones who choose to have the family and then spend the next 18 years trying to keep their life just like it was before they had kids. If you choose the kids, you choose the changes. It’s that simple.

      I don’t need anyone to save me from my own misery (I’m not miserable) or from some Disney-induced fantasy (the 2nd wave feminist who raised me didn’t allow those movies in our home). I think the “focus on self” you mention is, in fact, a big part of the problem. I’ll concede, without a doubt, that women tend to be more communally minded and less self centered. I’ll also concede that men are better at putting there own needs first; something we all must do at times. But I think the argument that one way of living is better than the other, is foolish. Many women, including myself, need to take a page from the MAN playbook and learn how and when to put our own wants and needs first. Likewise, many men (I’m guessing you) need to take a page from the WOMAN playbook and learn how and when to set their own wants and needs aside and do what is best for the whole (in this case, the family). I’m sorry I crushed your dreams… whatever they may be.

      • Jesse Wells

        You have crushed no dreams of mine, rather you gave me something to think about and respond to, a rare occurrence in the wilds of the Internet. Putting aside one’s own needs is necessary at times, in order to see any plan come to fruition, families included. It is apparent to me that having kids changes one’s life forever. That reality is why I have been very careful about using birth control in the first place and also foregoing some drunken hookups, as much as my other brain argued the pros of doing so. My life experiences so far have taught me that if I do not ensure that the ground beneath my own feet is secure, I will have a great deal of trouble providing stability to anyone else.

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