I Would Totally Flunk Monk School

I have been mute for a couple of weeks now. No writer’s block—there are plenty of thoughts and ideas inside my head. They bang into each other and against my skull, seeking an exit and expression. Part of the problem is time; too much spent with counselors, mediators, and car salesmen; not enough leftover for my laptop and me. The other part of the problem is self-imposed censorship.

I want to talk about my marriage and my divorce. I need to talk about my marriage and divorce. I talk about it with my friends, counselor and, occasionally, people at parties I’ve only recently met (dignity is highly overrated). I talk about it. Yet, I need more.

I need to reflect and analyze in a space that is free of the emotional aspects of talking with real live humans. Writing here gives me that space. Like a in a journal, putting down words feels like whispering my thoughts to trees and air and then watching as they float out into the wind. Unlike a journal, I often exaggerate for comedic effect.

The self-censorship comes from my respect for the other actors’ (my costars in this sad little made-for-tv movie that has become my life) desire for privacy. I struggle with how to balance my desire for reflection, analysis and creative expression, with their desire for privacy. So far I’ve tried to err on the side of privacy or, more accurately, on the side of “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Thus, for the past two weeks, I have been mute. Nuff said.

I do not like the mute thing. The mute thing makes me yell at my kids way more than I want to. The mute thing gives me stomach-aches, headaches and messes with my poo schedule. The mute thing makes me eat cookies and ice cream sandwiches for 2 solid weeks. I am not a fan of mute. Mute and I don’t work well together.

On a side note….You know what else I’m not a fan of? Abstinence. I’m not a fan of the pledge groups for teens (often, the “instead” options they choose are so sad) and I’m not a fan of it in my life right now. I find it annoying….but that story will have to be continued….on the other blog….at some point.

For now, I’m working on finding a little more time for me and my laptop.

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5 responses to “I Would Totally Flunk Monk School

  1. I’m finding myself doing the same thing.
    I have two blogs I write on. My ‘mommy’ blog has been empty for at least a month. Too much censorship. My other blog … a poly blog … is where I am doing a little more processing, but my narcissistic need for blog followers isn’t being met as I don’t synchronize that one on Faceboook.

    Censorship is a sad thing.
    Especially when the censoring squashes the writer …

  2. Jen, I too was once on that same sinking ship called Divorce, headed down Pathetic River towards the town of Whatthefuckville – I feel your pain! When writing my blog, I always have to ask myself ‘is this too personal to share?’, to where myself has answered ‘possibly.’ I understand that I sometimes needs to expose myself, full disclosure and hit a few raw nerves in order to grow as a writer, so I have – but in increments that I’m comfortable with (not sure if you saw my last blog, about how my 9 year old is dealing with the divorce http://lotusblunotes.blogspot.com/2011/06/not-really-what-i-planned-but.html).

    Remember, this is *your* blog and can do whatever the hell you want. And always remember that you are not alone in this sucky phase of your life. Expose as much or as little as you want – your readers will support you 100%.

    Stay strong, you’re a Rock Star!

  3. I sometimes write ‘drafts’ that I never publish, but somehow writing completely uncensored helps a lot, knowing that I censor about 80% of what I want to write. I love the fact that I can come to your blog and read posts that reflect what is really happening in your life, because even if you are still holding back a lot, I think your voice still comes through as very honest, real, vulnerable, etc.

  4. Martine

    Divorce is never fun; we didn’t have kids, and we separated amicably-as THEY say-but it sucked big time anyway. I sooo admire your sense of humor that seeps through even the saddest times. Big Hug to you!

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