Dear Goofus and Doodlebug,
Recent and frequent complaints about what we’re having for dinner, my requests that you pick up after yourselves now and then, and my unwillingness to let you watch television until your eyes bleed, have led to a significant decrease in my parental job satisfaction. Therefore, I have prepared the following list of helpful reminders and suggestions for you. Please read carefully.
1. You don’t have to share/shout every single thought that pops into your sweet head. Make it a game of SPY and keep a few gems to yourself now and then. Or, get some tape (you know, the stuff you’re always sticking on the carpet) and apply it directly across your cute little lips. We can use the stopwatch on my Ipod to time how long it stays there!
2. Speaking of tape… from now on, you are only allowed to use duct tape for #1 (see above), or to tape yourself to the floor or a heavy piece of furniture.
4. If you are going to poop in public restrooms, please shorten the process to somewhere under half an hour.
5. When you scream “SORRY!, SORRY!, SORRY!” at me or your brother, it just doesn’t feel like you really mean it.
6. Your seat belt works exactly the same way it did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that….
7. Sometimes your questions are so repetitive and boring and long-winded that I have to interrupt you. It’s nothing personal, I’m just trying to make sure we have enough time in the day to get to the grocery store before California falls into the freaking ocean!
8. Calling me “Stupid head” or “The worst mom in the whole world!” will always make your problems bigger, whatever they are.
Please review this list at least once a day. Goofus, please read this to your brother because he can’t yet. And try to remember that I am the mama who lets you strip down and run through the sprinkler when it’s 68 degrees and you think it’s summer.