I Need a Good P.M.S. Dance Song

I don’t want to write today. I don’t want to do anything today. But it’s 7p.m., the day is about done, and here’s what I did even though I didn’t want to do any of it:

1. Got out of bed(at 7:00 a.m. on a day when the kids are at their dad’s house).

Original artwork by my friend Erica. Click the image to see her etsy shop.

2. Made my own coffee. Most days I don’t mind making my own coffee, I even enjoy the ritual a bit; but today I really wanted the coffee to show up in my hand all hot and milky in my favorite mug.
3. Checked and responded to an excessive amount of email for one woman with a very boring life to receive. My laptop used to be a happy place. But now employers, teachers, people with problems, and Old Navy are all over my inbox. I have 4 email accounts; only one is a fun one…and that’s getting iffy. I have a long-standing snail mail phobia; all those envelopes with stuff I’m supposed to read and respond to makes me crazy. Mostly I just ignore it and go through the huge piles once a month at which point whatever was in the envelopes is usually irrelevant. It’s a tried and true system.
4. Showered. Someone had to.
5. Put grout in the bathroom tile backsplash. That was kind of fun, but the clean-up was lame and I wanted to leave all my crap in a big heap like my kids do.
6. Work. Researched websites, made notes, drafted marketing strategies for a freelance client, finally freaking figured out how to footnote in my new version of Word!, and emailed the appropriate parties. It’s a good gig, though they pay me in juice.
7. Cleaned-up the mess from the tile work. Pretty much what I said before AND scrubbing little bits of grout off of little tiny glass and stone mosaic tiles. Note to self: next time pick bigger tiles…or start dating a tile guy.
8. Drove all the way to my Dr.’s office to get ONE piece of paper that is, apparently way too important to just stick in an envelope and mail it to me. (Perhaps my Doc knows about #3…?)

Erica makes cool food jewelry too! What's that? Click the image and find out.

9. Grocery Shopped. Forgot my bags from home…again; suffered disdainful glares from fellow, more prepared, shoppers.
10. Met and gave a key to the cobbler who is staying in my guest room for a couple of weeks. That’s right, I now have a live-in cobbler. Cobbling, of course, is the art of shoe-making. Some people go to the mall…I open my home to cobblers and hope they’ll have some size 10 samples. I believe our entire economy is reverting to the barter system. My personal economy certainly seems headed in this direction.
11. Put away groceries. There is a lot of seriously old food in my fridge, by the way. Uhg. No juice though; time to call another meeting with the freelance client.
12. Thought about the laundry in the washer and how it would be nice if I could get the clothes into the dryer before they start to smell weird.
13. Added new stations to my Pandora custom quick mix. Okay that one was fun.

So that’s what I did today and now I’m tired and I don’t want to write. I don’t want to do much of anything and I’m relating a little too much to the Eminem songs on my playlist. (I really like the way he says, “clawzit” instead of “closet.”) That reminds me…my closet is a disaster! Listening to Eminem also reminds me that there are too few songs about P.M.S..

There are a million songs about the loss of things: lost love, lost job, lost dog, lost mind, lost money, lost respect, lost control, you name it! But so few songs to chronicle the loss of our uterine linings. What gives, song writers of America? Of course I’m excluding feminist folk music; the entire genre is a uterine lament, no? Don’t get me wrong, half of my pandora stations are chick folk; I grew up on that stuff. But I’m talking about music that sells records and gets me dancing in the club (or my kitchen, as is more accurate these days). I scoured youtube and found these gems for your viewing pleasure:

Meredith Brooks’ “Bitch” is the most danceable, though it’s hard to say if she is speaking to the menstrual experience specifically or just womanhood in general.

Dolly Parton’s PMS Blues is a hidden treasure not to be missed. I love Dolly and will visit Dollywood someday.

Some mom from the 80’s trying to cash in on the rap craze with the aptly titled PMS song.

So that was my day. Tomorrow I’m going to place a personal ad that will (hopefully) get my deck built, and invite Erica over to shoot our own PMS video jam.



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3 responses to “I Need a Good P.M.S. Dance Song

  1. OMG woman, you crack me up! So great to read the brilliant work of another sick, twisted soul. If we lived closer, I’d come over with a bottle of wine and a box of tampons. Cheers!

  2. Martine

    Oh, how did you time this exactly during myPMS week?! The songs are great, LOVE Dolly Parton’s song!! Hey, at least I laughed *one* time this week!

  3. Pingback: Writing about your Divorce |

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