I’m That Guy

You know the kind of single guy who is average looking and nice enough (you’re friends) but also sort of a jerk (you wouldn’t set him up with a woman you respect) because he only wants to date really hot women? Sometimes you want to shake him and say “Have you looked in a mirror?! You aren’t exactly Brad Pitt; quit waiting for Angelina!” Annoying right? Well, I’m that guy. But I’m a chick.

In my defense: I’m delusional. Additionally, in my mind’s eye, I’m a hardcore, top shelf, smokin’-hot hottie. I walk by mirrors and think, “who is that dark-haired, long-legged goddess with a million freckles on her lily white skin? (Cue the singing birds from Snow White.) Who on earth could resist that?! Who, I say!”

The photographs below tell a different story. In photos I’m a tired, mushy, middle-aged mom who spends most of my life washing dishes and waiting for Oprah to ambush me with a make-over.

No need for a backpack on this hike; I’m carrying everything in my handy-dandy chipmunk cheeks!

Everything about this picture screams “I need a nap!”

I burn/delete (almost) all bad photos of myself. Problem solved….moving on.

I choose to believe the camera is the problem and that everyone else sees the me of my mind’s eye. It gets me through the day and out of the house. It also lets me to cling to the delusion that, when I’m ready to swim, the dating pool will be full of hot men.

Something like this would do nicely for my first dip in the pool:

If you don’t know this guy, his name is Nick Tarabay and he’s an actor from the series Spartacus. I’ve first noticed him on Crash where he played the hottest dirty-cop ever! (Coincidentally, I met Mr. Tarabay when we were vacationing at the same resort in Mexico. We were the only two people at the bar one afternoon and so I turned on the charm and said, “Aren’t you an actor? You play a really great asshole.” He laughed and said, “thank you.” Then, every other witty remark or coherent utterance flew out of my head and we spent 10 minutes in awkward silence. It was not hot.) 

I would also like to maximize my re-entry into the dating pool by fulfilling a few old fantasies:

I’ve been hot for Jimmy Smits since L.A. Law. I didn’t like NYPD Blue, (that shaky camera thing made me seasick) yet watched religiously hoping for one more shot of his bare buns. His calm demeanor, sly grin, and sexy voice make my toes curl–in a good way. Plus he’s kinda old now, so a fling with him might help me work through any left-over “daddy issues.” (I’ve learned from my mistakes with Nick and have a dialogue ready for my inevitable encounter with Mr. Smits.)

Tom Hanks in drag was my very first celebrity crush. Black curly hair, an impish grin, and true understanding of the cruelties inflicted upon women by the evil beauty industry. Mmm, mmm, mmm! Makes you want to peel the control-top pantyhose right off of him, doesn’t it?!

I’m not totally off my rocker: I know my days as a MILF are numbered. Don’t worry, I have a plan. When I’m ready to get serious and settle down with a hot man of substance, any of the following will do:

 Chuck actor, Zachary Levi. I don’t watch Chuck, but I did become embarrassingly excited when I took my kids to see Tangled.

 Jim Halpert from The Office all dressed up for Halloween. *sigh*

I’ve had a thing for jewish men since I went on a date with one Tyler Benowitz during my freshman year of college. I’d take one of these bad boys any day….unitard and all!

So, loyal readers, keep your eyes peeled for funny, hot, dark/jewish men in drag or unitards and point them in my direction! Feel free to post your own hot photos in the comment section too! (I have no idea if all the link and photo sharing is kosher, but I’ll let you know when network execs contact me to discuss my very own tv pilot or lawsuit.)

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “I’m That Guy

  1. Martha

    Hands off. He’s mine.

  2. Dianna

    Yeah… I am THAT guy, i mean girl, too! / :

  3. Drea

    http://www.celebrities.pl/gerard_butler/gerard5.jpg Gerry, reaching for my face to pull me into a bonnie snog.

    I too had my season of finding more satisfaction from imaginary romances with men in leather thongs then dating boring dudes from EuScream.

    I suppose I could compare my celebrity obsession during the desperate dry spells brought on by my separation to the time I crushed out on surfer Kelly Slater as an equally desperate challenged tween (or as we called it back then, pre-teen). This time around I resisted putting up a poster on my wall, but honestly, with YouTube and Google, I think it was worse. I admit to having an electronic file folder dedicated to photos of my Scottish lord and unbeknownst to anyone until now, I frantically searched YouTube each night to find signs of new action shots. Isn’t today’s computer screensaver the equivalent of a room poster anyway?

    My celebrity crush made me believe a weekend night at home watching a Gerry Butler movie by myself (so I could pause and re-watch the Gerry soliloquies) was more entertaining than searching online for a date. target=”new”Gerry watching was also a consolation prize when I had previously failed to materialize any weekend action because I was too busy creating a montage of my lad.

    Well, I certainly feel a little better knowing I’m not the only one who has fallen to the dark side of crush obsession while in MILF training. Personally, I think fantasizing that you are good enough for the hottest man you can imagine is a great precursor to dating. I mean, if a hot Jewish actor wants to keep me up all night in my fantasies, then why wouldn’t some dude I meet in a bar be begging me to do the same?

  4. Samantha

    Oh, wow. I love Jim from The Office too but that’s pretty much the only acceptable one on the list! Sheesh, raise your standards a little!

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