You know the kind of single guy who is average looking and nice enough (you’re friends) but also sort of a jerk (you wouldn’t set him up with a woman you respect) because he only wants to date really hot women? Sometimes you want to shake him and say “Have you looked in a mirror?! You aren’t exactly Brad Pitt; quit waiting for Angelina!” Annoying right? Well, I’m that guy. But I’m a chick.
In my defense: I’m delusional. Additionally, in my mind’s eye, I’m a hardcore, top shelf, smokin’-hot hottie. I walk by mirrors and think, “who is that dark-haired, long-legged goddess with a million freckles on her lily white skin? (Cue the singing birds from Snow White.) Who on earth could resist that?! Who, I say!”
The photographs below tell a different story. In photos I’m a tired, mushy, middle-aged mom who spends most of my life washing dishes and waiting for Oprah to ambush me with a make-over.
I burn/delete (almost) all bad photos of myself. Problem solved….moving on.
I choose to believe the camera is the problem and that everyone else sees the me of my mind’s eye. It gets me through the day and out of the house. It also lets me to cling to the delusion that, when I’m ready to swim, the dating pool will be full of hot men.
Something like this would do nicely for my first dip in the pool:
If you don’t know this guy, his name is Nick Tarabay and he’s an actor from the series Spartacus. I’ve first noticed him on Crash where he played the hottest dirty-cop ever! (Coincidentally, I met Mr. Tarabay when we were vacationing at the same resort in Mexico. We were the only two people at the bar one afternoon and so I turned on the charm and said, “Aren’t you an actor? You play a really great asshole.” He laughed and said, “thank you.” Then, every other witty remark or coherent utterance flew out of my head and we spent 10 minutes in awkward silence. It was not hot.)
I would also like to maximize my re-entry into the dating pool by fulfilling a few old fantasies:
I’ve been hot for Jimmy Smits since L.A. Law. I didn’t like NYPD Blue, (that shaky camera thing made me seasick) yet watched religiously hoping for one more shot of his bare buns. His calm demeanor, sly grin, and sexy voice make my toes curl–in a good way. Plus he’s kinda old now, so a fling with him might help me work through any left-over “daddy issues.” (I’ve learned from my mistakes with Nick and have a dialogue ready for my inevitable encounter with Mr. Smits.)
Tom Hanks in drag was my very first celebrity crush. Black curly hair, an impish grin, and true understanding of the cruelties inflicted upon women by the evil beauty industry. Mmm, mmm, mmm! Makes you want to peel the control-top pantyhose right off of him, doesn’t it?!
I’m not totally off my rocker: I know my days as a MILF are numbered. Don’t worry, I have a plan. When I’m ready to get serious and settle down with a hot man of substance, any of the following will do:
So, loyal readers, keep your eyes peeled for funny, hot, dark/jewish men in drag or unitards and point them in my direction! Feel free to post your own hot photos in the comment section too! (I have no idea if all the link and photo sharing is kosher, but I’ll let you know when network execs contact me to discuss my very own tv pilot or lawsuit.)